Dealing with Loneliness

Written by
Michael Wells

Dealing with Loneliness

A Practical Guide

Written by
Michael Wells

Dealing with Loneliness

A Practical Guide

Written by
Michael Wells
QUESTION
"How do you really stop feeling lonely?"
"I have been single for 4 months and I feel very lonely, I have always been in relationships so it's really hard for me."

Emotions are very simple.

Every emotional pain you will ever feel has a purpose, which is to motivate you to change something.

But… that doesn’t mean that you can change it, or even should change it…

The reason for this disconnect between your emotions and your reality is that your emotional mind has a very limited perspective. It’s very bad at predicting the future, and seeing the “big picture”- in the same way that your dog doesn’t worry much about tomorrow, or who will be elected President.

When you feel lonely, all your emotional mind is telling you is that it feels a bit insecure. There’s no one immediately close to you, looking after you, protecting you, supporting you, there when you need them.

And that’s totally OK.

Honestly, in our modern you’ll be just fine. You won’t starve, freeze to death or get eaten by wolves.

Unlike your dog, you can create an incredible, healthy, happy, long life for yourself- with absolutely zero help from anyone else.

What Can I Do to be Happier?

Understanding your emotions will go a long way towards eliminating the emotional pain you’re feeling, and allowing the sensation of happiness.

Let’s talk about some of the key emotions that single people often feel, and what you can do about them.

Loneliness

I feel insecure and vulnerable.

What you can do...

Go make close friendships to fill that gap. Create your own “family.” This does not require a romantic partner.

Even when you have a great romantic partner, it’s important to maintain healthy friendships too.

Anxiety

I worry about the future.

What you can do...

Dig into this one to identify what exactly you feel anxious about, and then work towards those things, one small step at a time. Money? A place to live? Meaning and purpose in life?

You can create all of those by yourself.

Irrelevance

I feel unimportant.

What you can do...

Figure out what is most important to you, what you’re most deeply passionate about, and invest your time, money, and energy in that.

You don’t need other people to validate you, or approve of you.

When you have a clear mission & purpose and sense of self, you’ll validate yourself and feel incredibly special about your time alone, working on your own passions.

Sexual Desire

I crave physical intimacy & touch.

What you can do...

Physical intimacy is always better with someone else, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you need a sexual relationship.

Certainly you could find a lover, and that would bring joy to your life, but it could also create complications, including new emotional and relationship challenges.

If you prefer to avoid that, there are other ways you can satisfy a lot of your physical intimacy cravings.

Try partner dance classes, like salsa, zouk, bachata, kizomba, tango, etc.

Try acroyoga ( 2 person yoga ).

Go for a good massage once in awhile with a good masseuse.

All of these will give you some oxytocin and some endorphins, and you’ll feel far less anxious about intimacy.

Even developing a better physical connection with your own body, through gym, yoga, running, and good nutrition can bring a lot of these benefits.

What if I'm Lonely, but in a Relationship?

All of these same emotions can happen even when you’re in a relationship.

If you should ever encounter these emotions while you're in a relationship, my approach is the same. Do the things above, with one addition…

Talk to your partner.

Let them know what you’re feeling. Figure out with them what you can do together to help improve the relationship experience for both of you.

Don’t expect magic.

Take full responsibility for your own happiness, and your own emotions - but give your partner the opportunity to help if they can.

First published on 
. Last updated on 
November 22, 2020

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