Depression

Written by
Michael Wells

Depression

And How to Overcome It

Written by
Michael Wells

Depression

And How to Overcome It

Written by
Michael Wells
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QUESTION
"The person I love ghosted me and I’ve been so depressed and feel so unloved, it triggered me cause I have always been alone and I don’t know how to make friends or because I have Asperger's and I am afraid I will meet someone abusive, what should I do?"

I can see that you’re going through some difficult experiences that you’re really not enjoying.

Let's reframe that.

Re-framing Your Emotions

Right now, you see depression and negative emotions as “bad thing.” Why? Just because they are uncomfortable doesn’t make them bad. Going to the gym is incredibly uncomfortable, and yet it’s a very good thing for you.

This experience is good too.

You’re being challenged and that means that you’re being changed. Just make sure you decide to make positive, growing changes, instead of hiding from life.

If you avoid the “gym”, you will never get stronger.

Pain is a Powerful Motivator

Use your emotions as a motivation to make changes in your life. Things like…

Go make friends, who understand you.

Perhaps other people or are on the Asperger’s spectrum, or who face social anxiety. You’ll find forums of thousands of them online. You’re not alone, so don’t isolate yourself- isolation makes depression far worse.

Exercise daily.

You’ll be amazed how tightly your body and mind are linked. Exercise regularly, you you’ll feel 10x better.

Study your situation.

Become an expert. Are you really Aspergic? What do you know about Asperger’s? Learn more. Are you feeling depressed? What exactly is depression anyway? Learn more. Whatever challenges you face in your life, become an expert. It’s your life.

Explore Schema Therapy

Personally, I also recommend that you look into “schema therapy” as a way to re-frame your mindset in a way that’s more helpful. Much of your challenge seems to be rooted in your mindset and how you see the world- but you have far more control over yourself, your mind, and your future, than you know.

Why Your Friend Ghosted You

Now to your question…

It’s difficult to tell whether “The person you love” is someone that you were in a relationship with, or whether it was a casual friendship in which you developed strong feelings for them.

My answer would be slightly different, depending on the situation, but the fundamental things you need to see are the same.

First, most likely, you more or less “abandoned” them first. Here’s how that happens. When we have a depressed mindset, we become intensely self-focused, and emotionally sensitive. Often, our misguided reaction is to isolate ourselves from others.

They probably didn't feel wanted, or appreciated. They didn't feel like they could help in a meaningful way. Perhaps it added to their own depression about something in life, that you didn't see.

Imagine what this experience was like for your friend.

  • Did they feel like they were part of the friendship? Were they important to you? How did you show that?
  • Did you lean on them heavily for emotional support? Was that exhausting for them? Did they welcome that responsibility?
  • Emotionally, were you a positive addition to their life, or a negative one? Did they feel better around you, or worse? What else was going on in their lives? Did they have the “juice” to deal with other people’s problems in addition to their own?

How Depression Impacts Relationships

What tends to happen a lot in relationships is that chronically depressed people become a tremendous emotional drain on their partner. No matter how much their partner loves them, at some point it becomes overwhelming.

I’ve seen marriages end. I’ve seen children disconnect from their parents.

It’s tough, and it’s important that you see how tough this is on other people you might be “leaning on” too.

There’s little you can do about that now, but understanding this will help you a lot in the future.

Change Your World

Now, let’s talk about what to do.

It sounds like you already know what you need.

Depression is a very purposeful emotion. It’s painful, because your mind wants you to change your current situation.

Typically, those changes need to happen in three ways;

  1. By surrounding yourself with people who are good for you, who challenge and appreciate you.
  2. By contributing to your social group, your friends, your family, your society, in meaningful ways. By being a useful part of your tribe.
  3. By doing things for your future, and becoming someone that you like and respect.

Those are the things that will allow you to overcome your depression. Medicine won’t. It might mask the pain, but the problem is still there. You could drink water, too, every time you full hunger pains… but eventually you’ll starve to death.

Go do those things.

Don’t know how to make friends?

  1. Learn how to make friends. Literally, Google “how do I make friends?”
  2. Join “Friendship clubs” on places like meetup.com. You’ll find tons of them.
  3. Join classes, like dance, martial arts, art, acting, movie clubs, whatever. Get your geek on. Go have fun, and discover people that have the same passions as you.

Before you know it, you’ll have an amazing thing called A LIFE, and lots of FRIENDS, and Interesting HOBBIES, with a FUTURE to be proud of.

On the other side of that, depression and anxiety will barely be a memory.

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First published on 
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March 26, 2021

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      https://www.quora.com/The-person-I-love-ghosted-me-and-I-ve-been-so-depressed-and-feel-so-unloved-it-tiggered-me-cause-I-have-always-been-alone-and-I-don-t-know-how-to-make-friends-or-because-I-have-aspergers-and-I-am-afraid-I-will-meet/answer/Michael-Wells-12?prompt_topic_bio=1