For Women - Asking Out a Man

Written by
Michael Wells

For Women - Asking Out a Man

Written by
Michael Wells

For Women - Asking Out a Man

Written by
Michael Wells
QUESTION

Asked by a woman;

"For guys - if you ever are asked out by a woman, are you just direct with the rejection if you aren’t interested- so that the woman won't have any misunderstanding?"

This is a fun topic.

For both men & women, the answer to the question “do I want to date this person?” is not a simple yes-or-no, black-or-white choice.

It’s better described as a spectrum of colors that include reds ( sexual attraction ), blues ( relationship potential ), and greens ( personality & interests ).

Using myself as an example-

A girl may find me attractive physically but prefer a very different personality. Or, she might love my personality, but she doesn’t imagine the future she wants with me. Or, she might see great relationship potential, but I’m not her “type” physically.

Or, as is most often the case, some mix of all 3 is involved and you get a whole rainbow of possibilities.

I’ve seen all of these situations in my life, and in the lives of my clients.

Anything is possible.

In some ways, you can compare this to going to the grocery store.

When you see potatoes on sale, do you always say "Yes! POTATOES," or does it depend on your mood? Maybe you already have potatoes at home, or maybe you already had a lot of carbs this week…

Every opportunity you encounter gets objectively and subjectively evaluated, in that same way.

When a man asks a woman out, she’s suddenly evaluating all these things, with the added big uncertain question-

“What does he want?”

Deciding how to Respond

If she sees potential here, and he wants the same thing, then great.

However, usually, she’s not 100% sure what she wants, and she’s not even 50% sure what he’s offering…

In my experiences, if I invite someone out, very few women say “no” but not that many give a direct “yes” either. I might get a tentative “yes”, or maybe just some smiles and flirting while they try to figure out what they want, and what I want, and whether us exploring these things makes sense.

Men are no different.

If a woman asks us out, all of these questions appear in our minds too, and we’re sifting through them, often not immediately sure what we think, or what we want.

We also don’t know what you want, exactly.

Pretty much the only time we’ll be directly say “No” is if-

  1. We’re definitely not attracted, and we’re certain you’re asking us on a romantic date
  2. We’re in a relationship ( or, want to be in a relationship ) with someone else

My advice to you is the same I give to men.

  • Ask, definitely ask.
  • Be clear about your intentions. If you like them, make certain they understand that you might be romantically interested and want to know more about them. e.g. “Hey I find you really fascinating, and I’d like to get to know you better. Would you like to get dinner together sometime?” I’d find that fairly clear without the woman being overly vulnerable or coming across as needy.
  • Be patient. Be prepared for uncertainty. Be prepared to invite them out more than once. They may need time to process what’s happening. Remember guys aren’t used to this.

Most importantly, have fun!

Enjoy the process of not knowing what will happen, or where things will go.

It the very fact that life is full of uncertainty and surprises that makes it fun.
First published on 
October 17, 2020
. Last updated on 
October 17, 2020

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