I Ended My Relationship

Written by
Michael Wells

I Ended My Relationship

And Now I Feel So Sad. Why?

Written by
Michael Wells

I Ended My Relationship

And Now I Feel So Sad. Why?

Written by
Michael Wells
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QUESTION
"I feel horrible and sad after ending my relationship. Do I have the right to feel this way?"

Absolutely.

The easiest way to make sense of what’s happening in your head is to understand that, thanks to evolution, you have more than one mind.

Your Mammal Brain

Your “mammal” brain is all about relationships, feeling connected, feeling secure, wanting to be wanted, and needed, and liked, and appreciated. This brain values relationships highly but is no good at all at “seeing the future” or “the big picture.” It cannot understand that THIS relationship is no good for your life.

Your Human Brain

Your “human” brain has incredible imagination, simulation, and prediction ability as well as a fantastic memory. It can clearly see when your current situation is unhealthy for the future you want.

So Here's the Problem...

Because these two minds value different things, and have different perspectives on what’s “best” for you, they often disagree.

Welcome to cognitive dissonance, isn’t it fun?

Yes, you’ve probably done the right thing. Some part of you knows that ending your relationship was the right decision for your future.

And yes, you absolutely should feel this way too, it means your mind is healthy and functioning exactly the way it was designed to.

What You Can Do

Like any strong emotions, this will just take time to process, but what you're looking for here is perspective, and action.

Understand that what you're feeling is normal, even though you chose to end your relationship. It's normal for you to miss your ex. It's normal to feel sad. It's normal to feel lonely. All of those are your mammal brain doing its thing, which is to try to keep you with other people, where it thinks you're safest and most secure.

250 million years of evolution developed those emotions to the find razor edge you're enjoying so much right now.

Congratulations, your mind is working perfectly.

Understand that this will pass- it will pass when you create the real security that your mammal brain is craving.

Actions you can take...

  • Make friends.
  • Meet people.
  • At some point, after you've processed your emotions, start dating again.
  • Reflect on what you've learned from your relationship, and what you've learned about what you need in a partner.
  • Create your own sense of security. Money in the bank. Close family. Surround yourself with good people, and a solid job. Take care of your health, and fitness.

And, give it time, too.

You'll be stronger for it, and have a better future.

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First published on 
. Last updated on 
May 20, 2021

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