Needy for Love

Written by
Michael Wells

Needy for Love

Written by
Michael Wells

Needy for Love

Written by
Michael Wells

This article is part of the series 


No items found.

This series is under development and further articles will be added soon.

“How do I stop feeling the need to be loved? I wasn't loved enough as a child and I'm not getting love from my family nor friends.”
Reading time: 
( Reading time details... )

I get this kind of question surprisingly often.

It seems a lot of people struggle with cravings and neediness for love and attention from others. I mean all kinds of love- family connection, valued friendships. and especially romantic love.

For many, this leads to intense loneliness and mild depression. People pleasing and nice guy syndrome. A fixation on sexual relationships, and even promiscuity for a feeling of personal validation.

And so I get asked this question...

“Is it possible to not need love from others?”

Yes! it’s SO easy to fix! Just 3 easy steps…

  1. Insert finger in ear.
  2. Press hard. You may hear a “pop.” Wiggle finger around vigorously.
  3. Repeat until you no longer feel the need for love.

What, not ideal?

I do get that. Brain damage might be the only way to eliminate your need for love... but there must be a healthier way to manage your neediness for it.

Especially since, your desire for love was never the problem to begin with.

Let's start by understanding what love is.

What is Love?

Love is a powerful and important survival emotion.

It evolved because we’ve learned- in an evolutionary sense- that there is strength in numbers. If you’re going to sleep about 1/3 of your life, it’s good to have friends near, to make sure you don’t get eaten by a tiger.

Obviously, the risk of being eaten is a bit lower today, and there are way fewer tigers... but your emotional brain has not yet caught up to our unusually tooth-and-claw-free modern reality.

As such, our mind is still designed to crave close personal relationships.

In a practical sense, love is about security and self-worth.

We feel more secure when we have people around, who will help protect us from danger. We also feel more secure when we feel appreciated and validated. If people like us, and value us, they're more likely to care about our safety and well-being.

How to Develop Emotional Independence

As a child, you depend on others for our survival, so that need for love is intense. But as an adult, you get to provide your own security, take care of yourself, appreciate yourself.

In a very real way, you become your own parent.

You make your own rules. You set your own boundaries. You create your own identity, and embrace your own core values. You create your own security. You validate yourself.

And all of this means… you can have as much love as you want to give yourself.

Parenting Yourself

A useful way to understand this is to think of yourself as two people inside one mind- you as a child, and you as your own parent.

To most people who first hear this idea, it sounds a bit incomprehensible, and perhaps even slightly woo woo. But at a fundamental level, this is exactly how your mind works.

  • You set the rules, and you follow them.
  • You confront yourself, and negotiate boundaries.
  • You feel fear, and you create security.
  • You define success, and desirable behaviors, and you pursue those things.
  • You desire things, and you negotiate those desires.

Your parent mind is more rational, responsible, future-oriented and goal-driven.

Your child mind is more emotional, more present-oriented. and more playful.

Where Neediness Comes From

When we feel needy for love, it's because we're not giving ourselves the basic foundation of security and self-approval that we need.

That disconnect comes from not understanding the relationship between your rational and emotional minds... the parent, and the child.

Step back and take a look. How are those two aspects of you relating right now?

  • What have you done lately, and how have you impressed yourself?
  • Do you respect and listen to your own values, goals and dreams?
  • Do you trust your decisions, actively, and choose what's best for you?
  • Do you allow yourself to have fun, and to simply enjoy life?
  • Do you celebrate your victories, and learn from your failures?
  • Do you feel secure in your life, and the future you're building?
  • Are you aware, and accepting, of your emotions, desires, and fears?

If you’re the harsh parent, abusive or expecting perfectionism, you’ll suffer. If you’re the entitled or wounded child, always feeling bullied or wronged by the world, you’ll suffer.

But you don’t need to suffer. It’s all in your head.

Fix that relationship with yourself, and you’ll have more love, happiness, self-respect and security than you’ve ever imagined.

It's powerful to lose that neediness. You have so much more to give.

Read more articles about...

This article is part of the series 


No items found.

This series is under development and further articles will be added soon.

First published on 
. Last updated on 
August 29, 2022

Table of Contents


      BROJO: Confidence. Clarity. Connection.

      Join BROJO - the premier international self-development community - FREE!

      • Connect with like-minded people who will support you with your goals and issues
      • Overcome people-pleasing and Nice Guy Syndrome to build strong social confidence
      • Get access to exclusive online courses to learn advanced social skills, how to master your psychology, proven career progression techniques and more
      Sweet! You are now a BROJO member.
      Check your email for details, course access, and more.
      Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form. Please try again, or email me at Thanks!



      What about sex? Isn't that also a part of love?

      Most of us would describe sex as a fundamental part of romantic love, but in this article I'm going to distinguish. Sex is an enormous topic that deserves its own deep discussion. But for this discussion, sex is really about three things-

      1. Validation, acceptance, intimacy and approval- which are already at the center of this article. These aspects are part of our social contact, and our sense of security.
      2. Reproduction, which is also distinct from love. It's a fundamental drive, driven by our sexual hormones and dopamine.
      3. Pleasure. Sexual cravings are intense, but they are part of our dopamine system, less related to what we identify as love - which is based on oxytocin and vasopressin.

      Unlike our confusion about love, we all know pretty much how to take care of our own basic sexual needs.