Outcast

Written by
Michael Wells

Outcast

What to Do When You Feel Rejected, Constantly

Written by
Michael Wells

Outcast

What to Do When You Feel Rejected, Constantly

Written by
Michael Wells
Relationships
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QUESTION
“What can I do if I'm repeating in a time loop over and over? I'm constantly accused of being a very bad person but I'm innocent? No one seems to even want to see my life truthfully, and only wants to incriminate me based on lies about my persona.”

There is an underlying question here, which is “how do I change people?”

The truth is, it’s very difficult to “change” other people who don’t want to be changed. You can influence them, sure, but they’ll feel what they feel, and think what they think, and there’s little you can do about it.

However you can minimize misunderstandings.

Here's how.

#1 - Be proactive in your social world

Establish yourself in your social circles. Let people know who you actually are, what your values are, what you stand for - and then let them decide whether they like that or not.

Them liking you is not your responsibility.

Introducing them to who you really are is your responsibility.

The better people know “you”, the more information they have to make decisions when they hear misinformation. Let’s say someone accuses you of something- if the people around you don’t know you, they will likely just accept it as true. If they do know you, and that accusation doesn’t match who they know you to be, it will be considered unacceptable. Of course it can’t be true.

Or, maybe that accusation matches you perfectly, and they’ll think “sure that sounds legit… but that’s who he is, what did you expect?”

#2 - Find your tribe

"You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you."

If you’re hanging around judgmental people who don’t listen to reason or give you the ability to share your perspectives… what do you expect from them?

Your goal is to figure out your own values, what’s important to you, and then to find other people who share them with you.

#3 - Let go of the need to be liked

My self-development group BROJO devotes a lot of energy to conquering "Nice Guy" Syndrome, which is a masculine form of people-pleasing.

The problem with people pleasing is that it's not about making other people's lives better. It's about making your own life better- and as a result it's a very manipulative way to build your social world.

It is about giving, with expectations that you're owed something back.

"Nice Guys" are social loan-sharks- they'll smile and lend you money, but they expect it back and the interest rate will cripple you. And you won't even know until the bill comes due.

It's not so different from bulling, gossiping, Narcissism, passive-aggressive behavior, or other forms of "I want people to like me." At the end of the day, all of these groups are happy to toss other people under the bus for their own joy.

It's straight-up toxic, and it will not build good relationships.

It always backfires, because it's fake and manipulative- and those qualities are impossible to hide. People will learn not to trust you, or to get close to you. You might manage to build a little kingdom, but soon it will revolt.

Here's the thing... you don't need everyone to like you.

You'll be far happier with a few close friends, and most of the world not really even knowing you exist- than trying unsuccessfully to keep everyone happy.

Let go of that, and be more picky about who you call "friend."

#4 - Re-calibrate your thoughts & emotional sensitivity

Chances are that you have become over-sensitive to what other people think, and to judgement from them. Even the slightest whiff will probably “trigger” you.

If you’ve had some difficult past experiences, then no surprises there… but learn to care less what others think.

“My philosophy is: It's none of my business what people say of me and think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. And it makes life so much easier.” - Anthony Hopkins

As long as you know that you are doing what is right, be happy with that.

You are the only person that you need to impress.

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First published on 
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February 21, 2022

Table of Contents

    Addendum

      BROJO: Confidence. Clarity. Connection.

      Join BROJO - the premier international self-development community - FREE!

      • Connect with like-minded people who will support you with your goals and issues
      • Overcome people-pleasing and Nice Guy Syndrome to build strong social confidence
      • Get access to exclusive online courses to learn advanced social skills, how to master your psychology, proven career progression techniques and more
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