For anyone who has read Robert Glover, this is regarding the concept of "Testing for interest."
Can you provide some specific examples of what this would look like? I see saying hello to someone and reading their interest level as testing for interest. I see asking a women to get a coffee Thursday at 3pm testing.
Basically I see it as engaging and reading the interest level you get back from her.
What are your thoughts?
"Testing for Interest" is a simple, effective concept, that is often badly applied
Whether you're a man or a woman, you've no doubt found someone appealing and thought...
"Hey they're interesting... do they find me interesting?"
"Wow they're attractive... do they find me attractive too?"
"I think I could be interested in building a relationship with this person... might they want that too?"
We very much want to know these things... but as humans, we often fear rejection, and we develop patterns that shield us from risk.
_Testing for Interest_ is a great example of where this easily goes wrong.
Why "Testing for Interest" usually fails
As concept, "Testing for Interest" is very simple-
Let's find the simplest way to discover whether this person is interested in me.
So we think...
Let's invite them for a coffee, or...
Let's invite them for a chat, or...
Let's be friendly, give compliments, and see if they react positively...
But if you look at these honestly, you'll notice that these types of "tests" are based on two fundamental assumptions.
- That the above "tests" will be clearly understood as "I am romantically interested in you," rather than "I am just a friendly guy."
- That she knows - at first glance - how she feels about you and can make a decision on whether she's interested.
In my experience, both assumptions are usually false...
... and the problem is the "tests" themselves.
If you're honest, you can see that the tests are very indirect and unclear about your intentions, because they are actually designed around this goal...
Let's find the simplest way to discover whether this person is interested in me... while minimizing my risk of rejection.
This makes the tests unclear, uncommitted, indirect, off-target, and weak.
What's Wrong with "Indirect" Tests?
Let's look at the specific problems with this "safe", indirect approach to testing.
#1 - Indirect "Testing" is a shield, designed to protect you
But how easy is it to dance with someone while you're wearing a full suit of armor?
The problem is, if you just invite her for coffee, she really doesn't know where you stand...
"Does this guy want to be friends?"
"Does he like me?"
"Is he attracted to me?"
"What's happening here?"
It's easy to imagine that a girl knows you're interested in her, but you would be amazed how often men make this very unclear for women.
Because then, if the woman doesn't immediately return his interest, he feels safe. He didn't take a big swing, so it wasn't a big miss.
For many men, this is how friend-zones form- they show weak, vague levels of interest, while hiding most of their attraction and desire. For her part, the woman might like the guy as a person, enjoy the attention, and figures... why not, he doesn't seem to want anything, but friendship seems nice.
And now he's stuck.
#2 - She doesn't know what she feels
How can she know what she's interested in, until she's presented with the opportunity to choose?
With indirect "testing", you haven't made it clear what you want, so she's unable to even ask herself yes or no.
Part of the reason for this is that for many women, what makes a man attractive is courage, boldness, directness, and a clear interest in her.
Does an indirect test for interest show any of those qualities?
#3 - You're not a mind-reader
Really, you're not. If you were, you never would have had to "test" in the first place.
You imagine that inviting her for coffee would give you a clear sense of whether she's interested in you- but it really does not.
Neither a YES or a NO tells you much of anything about whether she might be romantically interested in you.
Think about that carefully, it's important.
When you're unclear about your intentions, then her response tells you nothing at all about her interest.
- A YES does not mean she might be interested in you, or even that she's single.
- A NO does not mean that she's not interested in you- it might just mean she's busy, or is having a stressful day... or maybe she just doesn't like coffee.
And remember- most likely, she doesn't even know what she wants. it's changing microsecond by microsecond during your interactions.
She couldn't tell you if she tried.
#4 - "Testing" invites scripting- pre-prepared words and phrases that communicate vague interest
They're training wheels.
The problem with training wheels, is that they're designed to protect you - not to help you ride the bike better. And, they make it very difficult to turn.
How to "Test for Interest" Effectively
So then, how can we do "Testing for Interest" effectively?
It's very simple...
Swap the idea of "Testing" for "Expressing & Inviting"
Rather than trying to figure out what SHE's feeling ( which is what testing is about ), focus on figuring out what YOU want - and express it as clearly and directly as you can.
Expressing what you're feeling is probably the central thing that "testing" fails on.
"I like you, want to hang out tonight?"
"Wow you're gorgeous. I'd love to take you to dinner tonight."
"You are a fascinating woman. I'd really like to get to know you better."
Expressing & Inviting eliminates all of the problems of indirectness.
It kills all ambiguity and confusion, and gives her a chance to respond to your invitation just as unambiguously.
Don't be afraid, no matter what happens next, everyone wins.
- You've showed her how a man expresses attraction, and that's very attractive.
- You've initiated- also very attractive, and masculine.
- You've practiced courage, which means you grow stronger, no matter what her response is.
- You've given her the respect, and opportunity to respond to your interest directly without confusion about your true intentions.
- You've given her a gift, by sharing your direct, unmasked appreciation. Even if she's married, it feels great to know men still find her attractive.
Without scripts and training wheels, you can be much more specific, present and direct in your expression of attraction, and in what you invite her to.
"You're a lot of fun. Hey it's really nice out, I'm heading over to the park, want to join me?"
For "Testing for Interest" to work, it must include two key things...
- A clear Expression of what you're feeling towards this person, and what your interest in them is about.
- A clear Invitation to something which allows the two of you to explore your connection further.
As long as you have those two things, you'll do great.
Every YES becomes a real, clear opportunity to build something with someone.
Every NO is a clear opportunity to let go, and focus your attention on real opportunities, rather than spinning your wheels in fantasy-friendzone-land.
Think about this...
If you first sentence to this woman is direct honest, authentic you... and every sentence after that is too... how awesomely masculine is that?
And how powerful could that relationship be?
BROJO: Confidence. Clarity. Connection.
Join BROJO - the premier international self-development community - FREE!
- Connect with like-minded people who will support you with your goals and issues
- Overcome people-pleasing and Nice Guy Syndrome to build strong social confidence
- Get access to exclusive online courses to learn advanced social skills, how to master your psychology, proven career progression techniques and more