From the BROJO forums...
When building new relationships, is it better to "fake it" and present ourselves as more than we are, or to be completely real?
First impressions are bloody hard.
When we're around people we want respect from, we often feel pressure to stand out - to grab someone's attention by "puffing up" and being more than we are.
In social situations, especially when there is competition, humans feel like they need to go beyond "presenting their best", and head into "embellishment" and straight up deceit.
We men do it all the time - we exaggerate our victories. We exaggerate the importance of our work. We act big, even when we're not feeling big. We physically puff up. We try to be funny, even though we'd get booed off the stage.
Women do it all the time too. A bit too much makeup, to see what she really looks like. Wigs and hair extensions. Fake eyelashes and nails. Breast enhancers, tummy tighteners, and high heels that make their calves tighten up. Fake tans and pantyhose to make the skin look perfect.
Is all of this embellishment and deceit really necessary?
Nope. There is a better way.
Being shamelessly honest & vulnerable
Make no mistake - your greatest strength is your ability to be shamelessly honest & vulnerable about who you are.
Your shame hurts you.
When you feel "not good enough," and embrace that by covering up why you are, you build those dendrites and reinforce your own "not good enough" story.
Every time, you give it more power - and the detrimental impact to your own psychology is immeasurable.
Shameless vulnerability is the only way to build real relationships.
In fact, it is the only way you can give - or even show - your true self to another person.
Being vulnerable is an essential filter for finding the right kind of people to include in your life.
So you've manned-up, and chosen to be honest about your life and who you are. You've presented your best self, but never allowed your presentation to become deceitful.
And... to be frank... that hot chick you're chatting up doesn't seem suitably impressed.
Sure, some women may not appreciate the real you... and that's totally OK. A woman who you actually deserves a relationship with you actually wants to know the real you - and will fully accept that real you.
Shamelessness is incredibly sexy.
Women are wired to seek men who know themselves and are totally OK with who they are. Even if who they are is a bit weird... like... Russell Brand weird.
Why is this kind of strength so appealing?
- It's masculine. If you're hiding something, that means you're afraid. Of what? Yourself? Her? Either way, it's not very sexy.
- It's powerful. Your ability to take the worst someone can throw at you, and laugh it off is downright Batman. "I can take off my kevlar vest, because I am already bulletproof."
- It's trusting. You're willing to show her everything about yourself. Most guys aren't. Wow.
- It's assertive. "Here I am. I hide nothing. Take it or leave it, I'm OK with or without you."
- It's safe. You're not hiding who you are, or what you want. Women are attracted to that feeling of security. No scary surprises.
Try it. It's worth taking the risk.
Trying to impress women makes you stupider
Which is hilariously counter-productive ( Telegraph ).
...research shows men who spend even a few minutes in the company of an attractive woman perform less well in tests designed to measure brain function than those who chat to someone they do not find attractive. Researchers ... think the reason may be that men use up so much of their brain function or 'cognitive resources' trying to impress beautiful women, they have little left for other tasks.
And last, but definately not least...
Your deceit hurts others.
To understand what it feels like when you deceive a woman, let's reverse the situation.
Imagine that you've met a stunning girl, who wanted to go home with you. You excitedly have sex with her, feeling like you have found the perfect woman.
And then, after sex, she takes off her makeup...
Now... she looks really different. She might even still be attractive, but she's definately not the girl you thought you brough home.
How would you feel?
Would you feel completely deceived? Conflicted and confused?
Would you feel disgust towards yourself for letting yourself be deceived? Towards her for the deception?
You can be better than that.
BROJO: Confidence. Clarity. Connection.
Join BROJO - the premier international self-development community - it's completely free!
- Connect with like-minded people who will support you with your goals and issues
- Overcome people-pleasing and Nice Guy Syndrome to build strong social confidence
- Get access to exclusive email courses to learn advanced social skills, how to master your psychology, proven career progression techniques and more!
In high school, I remember hitting the gym literally right before a school dance, because I felt intense an intense need look as big as possible ... all to cover up my lack of self-confidence.
Honestly, the extent to which women are going with makeup and body modifications astounds me.