Understanding Love Languages

Written by
Michael Wells

Understanding Love Languages

Written by
Michael Wells

Understanding Love Languages

Written by
Michael Wells
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VIDEO SCRIPT

Today we're gonna talk about a concept known as the five love languages.

The five love languages were first described and shared by author, pastor and doctor of philosophy, Dr. Gary Chapman, and they describe a collection of five core concepts that govern all interpersonal relationships - particularly romantic love relationships.

Many people have found that using these five love languages as a framework for understanding their partner's needs, and their own needs in a relationship to be immensely valuable.

So today we're going to look at the Five Love Languages from two different perspectives.

The first is how can knowing and using the Five Love Languages improve your relationship with your partner.

And the second perhaps surprisingly, is about how these same five love languages can help you to improve your connection with yourself.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

Let's have a look at the Five Love Languages.

#1 - Touch

Love language number one touch, touch includes anything physical, any physical interaction in the relationship where there is physical contact between you and your partner. Touch could be simply holding hands hug a kiss. giving someone a massage, of course includes all sexual contact as well. For many people when touches present in their relationship, they feel a deep sense of connection to their partner and deep sense of being wanted and being loved and being cared for. But if touch is absent from their relationship, they actually feel as though their partner does not love them does not feel that they are important to them in their own lives.

#2 - Words of Affirmation

The second love language is words of affirmation. words of affirmation are anytime you express verbally to your partner, or perhaps even in writing or in texts, that you care about them that they are important to you. It describes your feelings for them. It describes how you see them. It describes what you like about them, it validates them in a very important and fundamental way. You do not need to be a poet or writer in order to be good at words of affirmation, simply relating to your partner how they make you feel. And what it is about them that you find so special in words is enough to make someone feel very special.

#3 - Quality Time

The third love language of importance is quality time. quality time simply means spending time with your partner where they are the reason you are there. They're not simply a distraction, or a plus one. They are someone that you have chosen to spend time with. This doesn't mean that you have to be interacting with them, talking to them even doing activities with them. Although for many people, those form the foundation of a great interactive relationship, you could just be in the same room together sitting in front of the fireplace, each reading your own separate books silently, perhaps cobbled up under the covers, enjoying what you're learning or listening to. This is quality time as well. quality time is mostly about being together in each other's presence being very, very present and aware of each other and choosing to do that because you enjoy each other's company.

#4 - Acts of Service

The fourth love language acts of service. An act of service is anytime you do something that requires investment of effort. It could be as simple as tidying the garage or putting away the laundry, cooking dinner, perhaps mowing the lawn, picking up something at the grocery store, or it could be something much more significant. Planning a future together, doing the family finances, paying the bills, planning the next family vacation all by yourself. Building a sunroom addition to your house. acts of service can cover a full range of efforts. The important thing is that your partner sees you doing something for them.

#5 - Gifts

And the fifth love language is gifts. When someone has a love language of gifts, they feel especially love when someone gives them something that has a material value attached to it. In most cases, I find that people who have the love language of gifts, prefer something that they can keep and hold on to that will remind them of you again and again and again for years to come. Unlike for example, taking them out to dinner or movie tickets, which is more like quality time. Gifts do not need to be expensive. They can be as simple as a stuffed toy animal from the local arcade or the local fare, or perhaps some flowers you picked up on the way home or they can be something far more substantial. A house, a car, perhaps a diamond ring.

Applying the 5 Languages

Here's the key thing to really understand about love languages.

Everyone's love languages are different.

As Dr. Chapman describes it, each of us have one primary love language is from this set of five and one second love language, which is a bit weaker. The remaining three Love Languages might be on the scale, but they barely register,

I want you to take a moment and ask yourself, which is your primary love language? And which is your secondary? Pause the video for a moment if you need to think about this, and come up with the best answer that you can.

Now, if you have someone special in your life, preferably a romantic partner, but this can also work with close friends, parents, children, or you can simply recall a romantic partner that you've had previously in your life. And I want you to ask the same question, what was their number one love language? And what was their number two? If you're not sure, you may have identified the reason there was some potential disconnect in the relationship, one of you felt loved and wanted and needed, and the other one didn't so much, or perhaps neither of you really felt wanted or needed in the relationship.

Love Languages are very important in this regard. And that essentially, when someone expresses your love languages to you, you feel that they love you. Whereas if they're expressing different love languages to you, usually their own love language, you often don't feel that sense of love. I see this happen very commonly in couples where one partner has the love language of touch, and the other one doesn't. The first partner will constantly be trying to kiss hold hands give hugs have sex with their partner as a way to show their love and appreciation. Whereas the second partner isn't really feeling it and just feels confused as to why this seems to be such a strong demand all the time.

The key thing here is that if both partners learn each other's love languages, then they can learn to communicate much more effectively and both feel love and connection in this relationship.

If you have a romantic partner now, or for the romantic partners you have in the future, pick certain to sit down and have this discussion with them, you'll probably be amazed at what you learn.

How to Improve Your Relationship with Yourself

Now let's explore a secondary aspect of love languages.

I promised that I'd have a discussion about how you can build a better relationship with yourself just by knowing your own love languages.

Because as it turns out, you can show yourself love by practicing the same love languages. You want your partner to practice with you.

As a great example of this my love languages, number one is touch, and number two is quality time.

On first reflection, you might think... "how do you practice those things by yourself?"

It's actually far easier than you think. I've noticed that I can practice the love language of touch simply by taking care of my body. That includes going to the gym, practicing yoga, simply going and getting a nice therapeutic Thai massage, going dancing, going for a run, playing with a friendly dog or cat or getting hugs from close friends.

All of these involve touch. And the more I practice these things, the more I feel the sensation of being loved by myself and by those around me.

Quality time is just as easy. I can go spend time by myself at the movie theater, go for a walk in the park, spend some time meditating, hang out in a cafe with a good book. I'll even go on trips by myself and stay in a backpacker where I can spend time either with others or completely by myself immersed in my journals, my reading my writing my creative efforts, my own time.

And the more I practice this, the better I feel.

The beautiful thing about this is that if I can take responsibility for my own love languages, then I don't need a partner to make me feel that way.

And this is very, very important in creating a balanced relationship. I must learn to take full responsibility for my own emotions and create my own happiness rather than being completely dependent on my partner for them to do it for me.

Very simply, since practicing this, my relationships have been healthier and happier than ever before.

If you keep a journal, I strongly recommend that next to your core values in your journal, you write your love languages, and on a regular basis whether it's daily or at least once a week, I want you to ask yourself...

  1. How you have taken care of your own love languages?
  2. What have you done for yourself and what have you learned about your love languages in the things that other people do for you?

The more you practice this, the better you'll get and the more self sufficient and happy your relationships will become.

I hope this helps. If you have any Questions look me up mike@brojo.org. I'd love to hear about how you're applying love languages to your own life and what you've learned-

... Most especially, how they've made your relationships better.

Good luck.

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First published on 
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December 30, 2019

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