What factors make a guy want to commit to a girl?
Originally asked on Quora.
For me personally, there are quite a few factors that make me think about committing to a long-term relationship with a girl.
Mine fall into 4 main areas…
- Attraction, physical, mental, and spiritual
- Shared core values
- Similar love languages
- Compatible lifestyle, and life goals
First, attraction is very important. But attraction goes more than skin deep. It involves personality, shared interests, shared core values. Great conversations, a beautiful smile. I want to be attracted to her mind her body and her soul, all at the same time.
For me this is essential. Anything less than that, and we’ll be more in the realm of good friends, than lovers.
Shared Core Values
It's incredibly important that she understand and shares my values. I'm a very curious and creative person with a lot of compassion to help others.
If she doesn't understand those or has values that would somehow conflict with them. It would be very difficult to build a happy life together.
For example, one of my core values is growth. It's very important to me that my partner is someone who wants to become a better person. Each day, investing in herself as much as she invests in her work, her family, and other parts of her life.
Examples of her investing in herself includes making some kind of fitness routine part of her life, doing meditation, studying something, practicing an art form, starting a business.
Huge bonus points if she can challenge me to grow even more, and help me overcome my own limiting beliefs. as I will always try to do for her.
Similar Love Languages
I found that having compatible love languages is essential as well.
My top 2 are physical touch and quality time.
It's hers are very different from that, we’ll always feel it difficult to maintain our sense of attraction over a long period of time. Read up on oxytocin if you’re keen to know more.
Compatible Lifestyle, and Life Goals
“Being” the right person isn’t enough though- if you’re planning a future together, you also have to want similar things.
For me that’s lifestyle, and future goals.
Do we want family? Where do we want to live? Do we have cultural differences that we both enjoy? What, for her, makes a happy day?
A note for women
Now if you're asking this as a woman, I want to make a very important point.
The entire explanation I've given above is my own personal explanation on what I'm looking for in a partner. And as you can see it has an enormous amount to do with who I am and who I am becoming.
For any man, this will be true - who he is now and where he thinks he is going will play a very important part in who he wants to make that journey with.
Rather than trying to “be that woman” that a particular guy wants, you would be far better off being the best You that you can possibly be.
Find your own core values. Discover your own love languages, and how you want to express them. Figure out what's important to you and build the life that you want.
You'll find it far easier to find the right kind of man who can appreciate you and add value to your life, rather than you trying to fit into someone else's.
The more clear you are on these things. And the more apparent they are in your life. The more the right kind of man for you will step up, take notice, and want to chase you.
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Does Time Heal All Wounds?
I used to think so, but... it seems time doesn't help as much as you'd expect with mental trauma.
Except when you die, of course, we assume.
I recently coached a man who was still missing his girlfriend from high school. They dated for only 2 months. He last saw her 34 years ago, and has not had contact with her since. 34 years... mind-blowing.
The mind reinforces what you choose to think about consciously, and it surfaces memories and imagery attached to what it wants & needs emotionally.
When you experience trauma, I see people heal much faster and more completely if they approach it the same as, say, a broken leg. Get it set right, attended too, care for it. Don't walk on it for awhile, then once it's sound, re-strengthen it and rebuild the muscles with exercise. Done right, it will be stronger than it was before it was broken.