Why Don't I Want a Relationship?

Written by
Michael Wells

Why Don't I Want a Relationship?

Written by
Michael Wells

Why Don't I Want a Relationship?

Written by
Michael Wells
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QUESTION
"Why am I feeling at age 36 that I can do without any involvement in a relationship? Is this lustless or loveless personality trait I'm gaining after a miserable 15-year marriage?"

Ask yourself this question…

“Why do humans want relationships to begin with?”

Think deeply about that, and for every answer you come up with, ask “why?” again.

If you follow that question back up the evolutionary tree, you’ll see that relationships are mainly about survival and reproduction. Mammals developed tribal behaviors and pair bonding because it enabled them to survive better.

Here are 5 specific ways relationships improved survival and reproduction;

  1. You sleep more safely with someone watching your back
  2. You have some protection and support when you’re injured, young, old, weak, or pregnant
  3. If a predator comes, you have strength in numbers
  4. You’re more likely to meet a romantic partner and have children
  5. Those children are better protected in a tribe situation

But for modern humans, how needy are we for these things?

Technology and society have come a long way, and we're not as vulnerable as individuals, as we once were.

  • Do you need security? Or do you have a house, with a locked door and an alarm system?
  • Do you need personal protection? Or do you have police, and the ability to live in a safe place, with a taser in your pocket?
  • Do you worry about food and survival or will your government and society take care of you in the event of a life catastrophe?
  • Are you wanting to have kids?

If the answer to the above questions is “no,” than it’s pretty clear that you just don’t see the point of investing in a romantic relationship right now. Friends, and a decent society, is enough.

Relationships demand your time and energy, and often involve a good deal of sacrifice and compromise. Your living space, your calendar, your life, perhaps even your body are no longer exactly 100% “yours.”

Simply, relationships are not “free,” and you know that from experience.

When you see that trade-off, it’s easy for the scales to tip in favor of “I like my single life.” “I like my freedom.” “I’m happy already… why complicate that?”

And this is a good place to be.

Focus on your relationships with yourself, and with friends and family. Romantic sexual relationships can happen too, but they don’t need to have the importance and central life focus that they once did.

Know your love languages, and apply them to yourself.

And simply enjoy your life.

If You're Healing, Relax and Let it Happen

It may also be that you’re simply distrusting and wounded from your previous relationship, and simply have not experienced a relationship in some time that adds value to your life.

That might change.

Your desire to explore romantic relationships might change.

All of that is normal.

Don’t overthink it. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re wanting for your life right now. There’s nothing wrong with whatever you decide you want for your life next year either.

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First published on 
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March 13, 2021

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