Originally answered on Quora...
"I love a girl very much but she doesn't want to accept me as her boyfriend. She wants me as her best friend, but that is difficult for me. What should I do?"
There are many different things we could explore in this situation - persistence & patience, vulnerability and deepening the relationship, self-reflection and understanding the feeling of love, how attraction differ in men & women, and the difference between liking someone, and wanting a relationship with them.
So, so many things. I picked one...
My answer focused on helping the asker understand physical attraction better.
Who are YOU attracted to?
I am a white guy.
Yet, for some reason that I can’t explain, I find myself strongly attracted towards Asian women.
Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Malaysian, Filipino, Vietnamese, Indian… somehow they stand out to me in a way that typical European women don’t.
If you use the typical attraction scale of 1 - 10, I am good friends with white women who are everywhere on that scale, including solid “10’s” and they are amazingly attractive women.
BUT Asian women somehow get an automatic extra +3 points, no matter where they are on my personal attraction scale. That means…
… a 1 becomes a 4.
… a 5 becomes an 8.
… a 10 becomes a 13, and my brain melts.
Now, I didn’t choose this, and I have zero control over this. And clearly this is all about dopamine, the neurotransmitter in our brains that defines attraction & desire- but why does my dopamine like Asian women?
I have zero clue.
It just IS.
How This Affects my Relationships
Once in awhile, I meet an amazing, beautiful European woman who wants more than friendship.
But… no matter how amazing she is, how beautiful, or how much I like her as a person, she can’t change the way my brain works, or the way my dopamine releases, or how my personal attraction scale works.
If there is a reasonably attractive Asian woman within 100 km, chances are I’ll probably desire her more.
This utterly confuses beautiful European women, who just don’t get it.
But that’s OK.
What I've Learned
What it’s taught me is that to a very large degree, attraction towards others, and their attraction towards us - is mostly outside of either person's control.
- It’s not a decision.
- It’s not a measurement of how much we like or respect or value that person.
- And, it has rather little to do with how attractive or awesome they are.
This means that… when you’re rejected by a girl, it has very, very little to do with YOU.
It has everything to do with HER tastes, cultural programming, biology, psychology… all things she has virtually zero understanding of, or ability to change.
Very simply - Don’t Take it Personally.
Sexual attraction is about sex, and as such it has very, very deep roots in biology and psychology, which we may never understand, even about ourselves.
I definitely wouldn’t waste your time trying to understand those dynamics in someone else - chances are they couldn’t tell you even if they wanted to.
Your time is much better spent finding a partner who is naturally attracted to you.
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